I Won't Be Home for Christmas
by Rickmanlover24601
Summary: It's no surprise that Severus Snape hates Christmas but this year Dumbledore has a few changes up his sleeve. A new holiday tradition and a vacation raffle stir things up for the grouchy professor. Slight SSNM. Oneshot.


**I Won't Be Home for Christmas**

I have always despised Christmas. Christmas is not a time for fellowship and good cheer; it's merely an excuse to show just how much money you can spend on the biggest gift in the store that will only find it's way into the garbage dump come January, and everyone knows spending time with your family is the worst torture one could inflict upon oneself.

Fortunately, I am able to escape the seasonal chaos most of the time; Snape Manor is blissfully quiet and secluded. When the dunderheads finally leave the castle and Albus releases me from my prison, I am quite content to stay ensconced within the Manor's ancient walls until the frivolities of Christmas and New Years are over.

However, this Christmas did not go according to plan. This Christmas, I found myself, through no purposeful actions on my part, sitting on a beach drinking rum.

Perhaps I should start from the beginning.

It was the last week of school and I was on my last nerve. The students were going berserk, as only dunderhead pre-pubescent students can, and their voices, gradually getting more and more high pitched as the week wore on, began testing my reserve like nails on a chalkboard.

After one particularly painful day, Albus had the brilliant idea to call a staff meeting after dinner. If he had any sense in that fluff-filled brain of his, he would realize that scheduling school-related events during my only relaxation time is a huge no-no. Rubbing my temples in order to outwardly and subtly express my annoyance, I walked into the staffroom and, with a customary cringe, took a seat on the end of one of the two old, floral print, overstuffed couches.

Albus came walking in, a bounce in his step, unfashionably late as usual. He beamed at us all, held my scowling gaze for a moment more than was wise, and sat down with great gusto. I was glad everyone saw fit to sit far from me and my thunderous brow.

"Well, as you all know, the end of the term is approaching us. Before you know it, examinations will be over, essays will be marked, and you shall all be free for the Christmas holidays." Albus paused to smile once again.

I deepened my scowl. I was never free over the holidays. Being a double spy holds the distinction of ruining what personal life you could ever claim to have.

"As a Christmas bonus this year, I have decided to set up a raffle for a special holiday."

I stuck one long finger unceremoniously into my ear, jiggled it about a bit, and pulled it out. Albus was twinkling at me.

"Yes, you heard right Severus. I have done you all the honor of entering your names in and one lucky winner will be able to enjoy a relaxing vacation at an undisclosed location- away from the dreary weather of Western Europe."

Clearly, Albus thought he had just announced the world's most exciting news. With an exaggerated eye roll, I drawled, "Is that all Albus? If you don't mind, I would like to grasp whatever is left of my short evening in order to take a bath before I have to get up and suffer the day all over again."

He had the audacity to chuckle. "Well, in that case, I better let you all go before Severus decides to hex me. But before you go-" He held up a staying hand as several of us scrambled to our feet. "I want you all to take a name out of the Sorting Hat."

I frowned. What on earth was this?

"It's a Muggle tradition I just heard about from Professor Reddgrean. You pick a name and you have to buy that person a Christmas gift!" Albus was as excited as a two year old on… well, on Christmas. I rolled my eyes but felt compelled to make myself part of the queue.

As I dipped my hand into the hat, Albus warned me not to spoil the surprise. As if I would run around the castle, waving the paper above my head, and screaming the name of my 'secret santus' or whatever the bloody thing was called.

Fuming, I stormed back to my quarters, irritated beyond measure that the headmaster had wasted an hour of my precious little personal time.

* * *

As I sat down in my favorite brass clawed armchair by the fire, I pulled the slip of paper from my pocket. With a sneer, I unfolded it, wondering whose Christmas cheer I could dampen.

Just my luck- the blinking curly letters mocked me: Albus Dumbledore.

Too awful a gift and I might just get fired. Oh what a shame that would be.

* * *

The next day, I had the afternoon off as students were beginning to study for their upcoming finals. Deciding to get the inevitable shopping over, I apparated to Diagon Alley to see what distasteful gift I could find for Albus.

Unfortunately, many students had decided to spend their time buying frivolous, over priced, second-rate gifts for relatives instead of improving their chances at passing their classes. Pressed in on all sides by gossiping pre-teens, I escaped into a battered shop door beside an alley way. It looked like a promising place to buy something unpleasant.

"Pansy would never like that mother. Don't you have any taste?" A sniveling boy's voice caught my ear as I entered the darkened shop. Glancing to my left, I spotted the Malfoy boy and his mother looking at a jewelry counter.

A few steps later and I was beside them, exchanging pleasantries. Draco was a spoiled little brat, but his mother was always easy on the eyes.

"Good afternoon Draco, Mrs. Malfoy."

"Professor, what are you doing here?" Draco looked up at me with some surprise. His mother smiled and inclined her head.

I resisted the temptation to tell the boy it was none of his business. "Buying gifts- isn't that what one does at this time of the year?"

Draco shrugged and went back to perusing the counter for the best gift he could give his girlfriend of recent days.

Narcissa then addressed me. "I was just showing Draco this necklace. I thought Pansy might like to have it- it's so unique. But he assures me she would prefer something else."

I raised an eyebrow but said nothing. Did I give a rat's spleen about the boy's relationships?

"If you'll excuse me, I have business to attend to." And with that I glided off to a remote corner which hosted all manner of unpleasant items.

* * *

Twenty minutes later, I had my gift for Albus- a pair of particularly prickly socks that would begin to smell profusely after one usage but would always end up being the only pair left in your sock drawer.

On my way out, I grabbed the necklace from the counter, where Narcissa had left it, and rung the bell for service.

My Christmas shopping was thankfully at an end.

* * *

After classes on the last day of term, the teachers were called back into the staffroom in order to hand out their gifts and to discover the unlucky winner of Albus' Christmas holiday prize. I fervently hoped I would be allowed to skulk in Snape Manor without any interruptions this Christmas holidays but I had a feeling my wish would never be granted.

"Alright everyone, let's do this one by one so we can all see what each of you bought for the Secret Santa. Let's start with you Poppy."

Madame Pomfrey handed her gift over to Sinistra with a smile on her face. I didn't bother to watch what she had bought. I was only brought back to reality when my name was called some ten minutes later.

I looked up to see Irma Pince handing a bright orange box to me with an awkward forced smile on her face. "Happy Christmas, Severus."

I scowled and took the gift from her. A dictionary. Which, I have to admit, wasn't a bad gift except for the fact that I already had twenty- most of them in foreign tongues. I gave a stiff nod of my head and would have retreated within myself once again if Albus hadn't then asked me to give my gift away.

With a smirk, I handed the badly wrapped parcel over to him. A little surprised, Albus took it with an eager expression on his face.

His face fell slightly as he opened the package but he had the nerve to thank me most sincerely for taking the time to buy him something.

I sighed inwardly. Was this infernal meeting over with?

But no, my suffering was not yet complete. My other parting gift, aside from the dictionary, was the grand prize holiday -a week on the sunny, sandy island of Barbados. Lucky, lucky me.

Albus pressed assorted documents into my hand and gave me a warm pat on my back while I tried to give him my most disgusted glare. Shortly after that, I stormed out of the room and apparated to Snape Manor.

At least, I had planned on apparating back to Snape Manor. Those blasted papers deviated my route and I found myself clad in nothing but some swimming trunks standing on a spit of land with the sun glaring menacingly into my eyes.

What did Albus think he was playing at? Didn't he realize I would fry within ten minutes? I didn't have gloriously pasty white skin for no reason.

But the blasted thing was- there was a barely clad female serving drinks from under a shady umbrella and there wasn't a soul around for miles.

Had I been able to return to England, I would have. Sometimes though, you have to give in and take what comes at you.

And really, when you got right down to it- being left alone by the entire world for one gloriously long week with all the free alcohol you could possibly consume wasn't the worst way to spend Christmas.

Besides, it all soon got even better.

Two hours after I arrived, another person apparated just behind my lounge chair. Frowning in consternation, I swiveled around to see who would dare disturb my peace.

Narcissa Malfoy smiled when she spotted me and walked over, her slim legs exposed by the high-rise bathing suit she had on.

I raised one eyebrow. "What in the name of Merlin are you doing here?"

She smiled and sat down beside me. "Draco told me Albus had sent you out here to purgatory and I thought I'd come and visit." She fingered the diamond hanging from the necklace she was wearing.

My other eyebrow soared to rest beside its twin. "Lucius?"

"Thinks I'm visiting my cousin, doesn't he?" She slid her long legs onto the end of the lounge chair and gave me a wicked smirk.

I would be sure to buy Albus a better belated Secret Santa gift when I got back home.

* * *

**Title belongs to a Blink 182 song. Many thanks to Drakien for her beta help!**

**Merry Christmas everyone! I wanted to give you all a present and since I haven't touched my WIPs yet this holiday, I figured a Christmas fic was the next best thing.**

**I wrote this for my friend who requested a fic for a present. It had to include a brass clawed chair, a dictionary, something orange, and no kissing. She also mentioned that she didn't want it to be a Christmas fic but I completely forgot about that. Oh well.**

**Hope you all have a wonderful Christmas and that you enjoy this fic. I hope to update something later on this holiday.**


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